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the child that maybe wasn’t meant to be

I always have this image or idea of what a mother is supposed to be like.
It’s a mixture of what I’ve seen and what I want to be like (if I ever get to that point in my life).

A compassionate, hugging, complimentary, wiser, but most of all understanding older version of a combination of certain relatives I’ve become close with, mentors, and people who’ve said the right things: Dr. Oshun my old mentor from high school, my friend Jessica, both of my Didis, a bit of my great aunt (but not alot because she’s kinda crazy) and myself.
My mother lacks many if not all of those qualities.
It shows when she doesn’t contact my brother to check in with him or see how he’s doing, how she rarely did it with me in college, or in general and never checks to see if our well being as her children is…Well in general or at least somewhat alright.
It also shows when Mistakes happen. Because to her Mistakes don’t exist, it’s the lack of responsibility plus stupidity, common sense and ignorance on everyone elses part-no other explanation is valid…Because hers is ultimate.
A Mistake can happen and no matter what I tell her-these things happen: She Strives to contact said person (That being ME) in the most passive aggressive ways possible (however in the past it was upfront and aggressive and involved violence as well)-but she possibly does this to avoid actually doing what she used to do, Then despite my explanation I am still to blame and she wants no understanding of my side of the issue and immediately withdraws into this massive disappointment, annoyance, guilt shaming, and disgust.
The worst kind of negative energy I have to put up with because it is just as if I were twelve and had done something, the grudge barely moving from her mind and the absolute distasteful hate for my existence being brought on by yours truly-my mother.
I am too young and too beneath her to have that “Hey you got some emotional things to fix there.” Or to even tell her to come at me with some compassion and understanding and most of all love…Because even my confused young 20something year old self is still very undefined, untaught and unsung needs that.
But I have to remind myself that won’t ever be the case,

My Mother’s always had to fight for herself with very little parental help, this includes some emotional issues that stem from her own parental history: I am left to the big bad world with no mother to hold my hand.
(I am forced to consider if this is a constant that Black Mothers pass down to their children, their struggle and pain, but not a shoulder to cry on. Is this our Black Curse?)
It hurts to know and say it aloud sometimes. That she’d rather blame and shame then give a hug and an aiding ear.
At times I fear it is my mere presence that reminds her, me being in her womb robbed her of the wild 20s she could’ve experienced, college, a stable existence and maybe even personal growth-ME coming into this world might have ruined her youth and I am a constant reminder of that.
I’m old enough to understand, but still be sad…No matter what I do, as her child, daughter, bar buddy, room-mate, I’m and have always been a constant distasteful blameful dissappointment of epic proportions.

In saying that. I’m trying to learn how to avoid these emotions she creates that impact my own well being, it involves moving out, or staying out of the apt more, but in face to face manner, there has to be a way to smile at that ugly negativity and walk past it.
But how?

Life of a Brown Person: beauty is a damn fight.

  • my hands are tiny and bony,
  • but when I put on my chori and rings they look like beauty, they look like a part of me.
  • I’ve got super irritating acne, so sometimes in the morning/night I stand in the mirror and pop um or poke um hoping they disappear one day.
  • But when I wear some shit, I stand in the mirror feelin on my booty goin “damn I loookk goooodddd”

  • when my hair was fluffy and to my back I’d spend half an hour on it trying to make it to things to the point where my hands would cramp up and shake.
  • but then I shaved it, cut it, and now some days I can just put it up and it’ll look good.
  • sometimes I’ll see images of make-up infused models, or real chics in life with nice lookin make up
  • but the minor eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick and henna makes me feel just as equivalent…when I feel like it.

  • I love boobies and I fall into the fantasy of “the bigger the booby the mo the betta” because of these hypersexualized milf-like images
  • but I’ll jiggle mine around and stick um in a crop top and they’ll look nice.
  • I was called chicken legs, pole, twig as a kid/high schooler
  • I look at my calves now and love how goddamn muscular they are.

We’re human. We have our moments where these images, the people we see, the jealousy of beauty affect our own-but then we have to remind ourselves that…those images are based off of someone elses standards, basis of beauty qualifications n fucknots.

I have my moments…and then I don’t. It’s good to admit um.

image

Today I seek enlightenment. Today I experience enlightenment. Today I am enlightened.

buddist affirmation

disclaimer: the meaning of enlightenment is: the state of having knowledge or understanding : the act of giving someone knowledge or understanding

so one can think of it without literally associating it with buddhism, just sayin for yall folk who aren’t buddhist.

MLK Decried the Psychological Enslavement of Blacks

There is a sad irony in the fact that we are celebrating what would have been the 85th birthday of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., just a month after the New York Times focused national attention on the gap in breast-cancer survival rates between black and white women. This…

There is a sad irony in the fact that we are celebrating what would have been the 85th birthday of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., just a month after the New York Times focused national attention on the gap in breast-cancer survival ratesbetween black and white women. This news came on top of the disclosure that the income and wealth gaps between blacks and whites continue to grow, and the gap in standardized-test scores has scarcely budged.

The King holiday has been with us now for nearly 30 years. Every year we celebrate him as the Dreamer and the Drum Major. But the data on the disruptions within the black community continue to add up, and they are likely to keep getting worse until we pay attention to a forgotten yet crucial part of King’s legacy: his call for psychological liberation.

In August 1967, in his final presidential address to the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, King drew a powerful link between racism and the psychological health of black people. In answer to the question “Where do we go from here?” he said, “First we must massively assert our dignity and worth.” He talked about the “false sense of inferiority” that plagues the black community and pointed to the need for us to regain our “psychological freedom.”  “Any movement for the Negro’s freedom,” he said, “that overlooks this necessity is only waiting to be buried.”

On this, as with so many other issues, King was prophetic. There is a growing body of evidence that the black community is in emotional distress brought about by the historical and continuing trauma of racism and its dehumanizing consequences. Among the signs of distress are 1) the fact that homicide is the leading cause of death for young black men, 2) a consistent decline in both the number and longevity of black marriages and 3) the disproportionate number of African Americans who are incarcerated.

A comprehensive study by the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan found that higher levels of chronic physical health problems, such as hypertension, heart disease and obesity, and of depression and lower life satisfaction are related to the chronic stress of racism. According to the American Psychiatric Association’s 2006 resolution against racism, “Racism and racial discrimination adversely affect mental health by diminishing the victim’s self-image, confidence, and optimal mental functioning.” And a recent study in the journal Psychological Science found that experiencing discrimination increases anger and risk-taking behavior.

We believe that close to the root of many of the problems plaguing our community is the lie of black inferiority. That lie was introduced centuries ago to justify the dehumanization and enslavement of black people, and it is still with us today—undermining our psychological, physical, family and community well-being. It is also undermining our ability to address our challenges. A community in emotional distress cannot deal effectively with the problems confronting it.

Community Healing Network and the Association of Black Psychologists are working in collaboration to build a movement for the emotional emancipation, healing, wellness and empowerment of black people. A key element of our collaboration is the development of the concept of Emotional Emancipation Circles—culturally grounded, evidence-based support groups through which we as a people can work together to develop essential emotional-wellness skills and compassionately examine our community, family and personal histories to decide which of our attitudes and behaviors are worth taking with us—and which must be left behind—as we move forward to build a future in which we can thrive, not just survive.

A team from ABPsi has developed an Emotional Emancipation Circles Guide, which has been piloted in Tuskegee, Ala. (pdf), and New Haven, Conn. At its 45th annual convention in New Orleans in July 2013, ABPsi trained teams of psychologists who have launched EE Circles in more than 20 cities across the African Diaspora. CHN and ABPsi will continue to work together to provide webinar training to local leaders to launch additional EE Circles starting in February 2014 through an initiative called “Celebrating Our History, Transforming Our Present, and Taking Control of Our Destiny.”

Our goal is to engage a critical mass of black people in the United States in the movement for emotional emancipation by the year 2019, the 400th anniversary of the forced arrival of Africans at Jamestown Colony. As a people, we know a great deal about King, the dreamer. But we need to know even more about King, the psychological freedom fighter. As he said, “The Negro will only be free when he reaches down to the inner depths of his own being and signs with the pen and ink of assertive manhood his own emancipation proclamation.”

Life of a Brown Person: goddammit drunk confessions…

so last night got drunk with some coworkers, but I was the only drunk one. 

So…it was a bit of a show. Not bad though! Okay going on.

One of my coworkers is an attractive dude, hes told me about his hardships when it comes to dating and I kinda let slip my insecurities cause thats what happens you chug shit…

and I complained about how I feel like white chics are seen as more attractive to most men and that kinda shit pisses me off (I know, why take it to race, but shit after being on okcupid and going to countless bars and noticing the lack of attention but the most attention given elsewhere to specific people….hey drunk or not i peep that shit) and leave me to be that piece of ass someone can pick up at a bar. 

I didn’t mind it before cause I wanted to get laid- BUT NOW I’d actually like to date, meet folk hang out. So that piece of ass isn’t my game.  

I admitted to him that I felt like my brown ass automatically don’t get no kinda play cause I apparently I just give off the aura of being easy.

where this comes from? Dunno. The last date I went on however was with a nice brown dude so…hope? 

Maybe. 

Here’s the flip around, my coworker, earlier that night, tried to hook up me with this dude…and I got mad. I don’t have a type but I know what I don’t like. And this dude was okay but I already new I’d friend his ass. That hiccup in the brain didn’t go off, no attraction nothin.

Yeah I know picky right. This odd world of dating and such is very confusing…

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