I always have this image or idea of what a mother is supposed to be like.
It’s a mixture of what I’ve seen and what I want to be like (if I ever get to that point in my life).
A compassionate, hugging, complimentary, wiser, but most of all understanding older version of a combination of certain relatives I’ve become close with, mentors, and people who’ve said the right things: Dr. Oshun my old mentor from high school, my friend Jessica, both of my Didis, a bit of my great aunt (but not alot because she’s kinda crazy) and myself.
My mother lacks many if not all of those qualities.
It shows when she doesn’t contact my brother to check in with him or see how he’s doing, how she rarely did it with me in college, or in general and never checks to see if our well being as her children is…Well in general or at least somewhat alright.
It also shows when Mistakes happen. Because to her Mistakes don’t exist, it’s the lack of responsibility plus stupidity, common sense and ignorance on everyone elses part-no other explanation is valid…Because hers is ultimate.
A Mistake can happen and no matter what I tell her-these things happen: She Strives to contact said person (That being ME) in the most passive aggressive ways possible (however in the past it was upfront and aggressive and involved violence as well)-but she possibly does this to avoid actually doing what she used to do, Then despite my explanation I am still to blame and she wants no understanding of my side of the issue and immediately withdraws into this massive disappointment, annoyance, guilt shaming, and disgust.
The worst kind of negative energy I have to put up with because it is just as if I were twelve and had done something, the grudge barely moving from her mind and the absolute distasteful hate for my existence being brought on by yours truly-my mother.
I am too young and too beneath her to have that “Hey you got some emotional things to fix there.” Or to even tell her to come at me with some compassion and understanding and most of all love…Because even my confused young 20something year old self is still very undefined, untaught and unsung needs that.
But I have to remind myself that won’t ever be the case,
My Mother’s always had to fight for herself with very little parental help, this includes some emotional issues that stem from her own parental history: I am left to the big bad world with no mother to hold my hand.
(I am forced to consider if this is a constant that Black Mothers pass down to their children, their struggle and pain, but not a shoulder to cry on. Is this our Black Curse?)
It hurts to know and say it aloud sometimes. That she’d rather blame and shame then give a hug and an aiding ear.
At times I fear it is my mere presence that reminds her, me being in her womb robbed her of the wild 20s she could’ve experienced, college, a stable existence and maybe even personal growth-ME coming into this world might have ruined her youth and I am a constant reminder of that.
I’m old enough to understand, but still be sad…No matter what I do, as her child, daughter, bar buddy, room-mate, I’m and have always been a constant distasteful blameful dissappointment of epic proportions.
In saying that. I’m trying to learn how to avoid these emotions she creates that impact my own well being, it involves moving out, or staying out of the apt more, but in face to face manner, there has to be a way to smile at that ugly negativity and walk past it.